“I had to perform two days after my dad died”: Suze DeMarchi talks anxiety, grief and hard work with Nathan Cavaleri

Female rock royalty Suze DeMarchi has been an icon of the local scene for close to 30 years. After a short-lived pop music career in London, the singer-songwriter returned to Australia and formed the Baby Animals in 1989 – and the rest, as they say, is history.

In thefourth of our ten-part content series,Nathan Cavalerichats to themother of two about the importance of surrounding yourself with good business people, how decision-making changes after you have kids, and getting up on stage two days after her dad passed away.

In an industry where expression collides with business, how do you keep the passion to play/write music alive?

You surround yourself with good business people. The key is to have good people around you, so that you don’t have to worry so much about that stuff.

It’s really good to learn as much as you can of it – it’s hard though when you’re young and people shove contracts in front of you. There’s no way you’re going to know your way around a contract.

When I’ve had success before in the past it’s usually when you’ve got a really good team around you, so you can do your work and they can look after stuff for you. You have to trust people.

Have you ever come close to leaving music? If so, what prompted it and what inspired you to stay?

Well I did leave for a little while… I don’t think you can ever properly leave because it’s always in you. I’ve done it since I was17.When I was about12, I picked up a guitar and I’ve always sung, always had music around. It’s really impossible to give it away – it’s just a part of you and you can’t ever deny it. I think denying it makes you very unhappy.

How do you stay true to your vision, in an industry that is filled with opinion?

I don’t listen to the opinions. If someone’s only contribution to your craft or music is their [negative] opinion it doesn’t have any bearing or any weight at all.

You’ve just got to follow what’s in your gut, what makes you feel on fire. I learnt very early on what wasn’t my thing – pop music really wasn’t my thing, I’m not a solo artist… I love being in a band. I knew that guitar music was my thing, that’s what I loved.

What does the day of a gig right up until stepping on stage look like?

An early flight somewhere. I’m always fighting being tired, so I’m always like “Can I fit a nap in?” – it helps with your throat and it just chills you out.

Exercise, soundcheck. I can’t eat before a gig, so I try eating something really light. Get ready, get on stage and have a laugh…

And then after the gig, well everything’s changed now – we used to go all night, but now it’s like, we just have a laugh after the gig and have, maybe a beer or something and then we all go back home.

What tips do you have in balancing family with music life?

It’s not easy. For me to be writing and stuff I really like my space. I like quiet and I like to be able to do what I want and listen to what I want.

When you’ve got a bunch of kids running around, you get distracted. I really like working in a different environment than home. I’m not big on bringing my kids to shows… I feel like I can’t really concentrate on my stuff.

I’ve really got no advice for people on that one… just feed them, give them money to buy food and lock them in the house.

What do you do to stay physically and mentally balanced? (on and off the road if you are a touring artist)

I’ve enjoyed pilates since the 80s. I used to run a lot. I’ve been to shrinks, I was on antidepressants for awhile when I lived in LA for about four years. I saw a psychiatrist while I was there – I was really struggling with not playing, I had a bit of an identity crisis I think… the stresses of being a mum.

I’m all for putting my hand up and asking for help when I need it. None of us get out of it unscathed, there’s always stuff to deal with. I’m a big proponent for taking care of your mental health as much as you would your physical health… there should be no stigma around it.

How do you carry out the roles of a performing artist during times when you’re feeling sub-par? Be it unwell or emotionally unstable.

When you’re an entertainer you have to get up on stage and often pretend like everything’s fine when often it’s not… I had to perform two days after my dad died… [I was] with my dad as he passed away, and then I was up on stage two days later… It was incredibly therapeutic, it was really hard to do and I was really, really broken… I told the crowd what was going on and they were really amazing… and that was therapy… You do have to find your times to grieve and you’ve got to find your times to break down and have those moments where real life happens… There’s no getting around any of it, you have to go through it… You can’t fight it, you can’t put it aside… all that heavy stuff has to be dealt with.

What epiphany(s) has altered your approach to music/life?

I have had several epiphanies over the years. When I had my first child, I had the realisation of life and death being the same thing.

I also have moment when I’m on stage, where I feel that we’re all a part of something – and that for me is what keeps bringing me back to performing, that feeling of solidarity, of belonging.

Have you ever experienced anxiety/depression/nervousness around a tour? If so, what are (were) the triggers and how do (did) you manage it?

I had some really bad anxiety when I got the band back together. I’ve had moments where I’ve called someone, people that talk you down off the ledge. And I’ll tell people around me “I’m feeling this or that”, just so people realise…

Choose who you work with really well. It’s very important who you put around you through life because they’re the ones who are going to help you and hold you up and you’re going to hold them up… and that’s how I deal with it.

Can you trace your current successes back to any big risks or leaps? If so, what were they?

I took a lot of leaps back in the day. My choices now revolve around my children and different things to when I was single and didn’t have kids. It doesn’t mean you can’t leap… I think you have to, that’s how you get anywhere, you have to just go for shit and not know what the outcome’s going to be.

One of the biggest leaps that I took was leaving London when I had a record deal with EMI in the UK. I left and came back to Australia with the idea of putting the band back together. I didn’t know if it was going to work…

You take leaps all the time. You’ve just got to try and enjoy your little part of the world as much as you can.

Help those who are falling and relay an experience you’ve had that landed you flat on your face.

I’ve literally done that on stage. The gig was in Adelaide and I had to run down some stairs. I had my inner-ears on and the band started without me. It was raining and I bolted onto the stage, my feet were wet… I hit the stage and went right up in the air and bang!I think I hit the floor on beat though.

What is your philosophy on fear? How do you deal with it?

The more you know about it and the more you understand about it the less it can affect you. Any of those feelings that are negative feelings you have to go through… feel it, let it be there, take a look at it and then just understand that it’s not going to be there forever.

Just take little steps… You keep going through it and then it’s gone.

If you were to wave a magic wand, how would you like to spend your time in the future?

I’d like to spend my time with my friends and with my family, working well and doing good work. Obviously an anxiety-free world would be nice… a world that is less broken.

I think we’ve all got to be more conscious of all the stuff that’s going on, and just try and contribute positively in some way. I like my band, I like music… I always said I would quit if I stopped having fun and I still have fun.

Are there any other wisdoms you’d like to share?

The only real success I’ve ever had in my life is [the result of] when I worked at something. Don’t expect something to happen without putting the work in, don’t be afraid of a bit of hard work and fucking put a smile on your face and make people around you happy if you can – and then you’ll be happy.

NathanCavaleri is on a mission toexpress life experiences, sharing stories in a bid tospread wisdom and inspireepiphanies.All via a weekly post on his website.