News April 4, 2018

So, why the fuck is Chris Brown still being marketed to Australian kids?

OH. MY. GOD.

Did you hear about how that Aussie cricket player cheated in a cricket game and brought dishonour to the entire country of Australia, because what he did is just not cricket?

Same.

In other, less-pressing news, there’s a new Chris Brown single out, which is currently sitting at number five on the Australian charts, and — judging by the mid-week projections — will be sitting at either #1, #2 or #3 this Saturday.

This is Chris Brown, who violently and publicly beat one of the most beloved female pop stars within an inch of her life, who threw homophobic slurs at Frank Ocean, who tried to fight Drake in a nightclub, who smashed up his own mother’s car after she dared to suggest he needs help, who (sigh, allegedly) punched a woman in the face after she tried to get a photo, who is a complete and utter reprobate who has shown little to zero remorse for his past actions — in fact he got a neck tattoo of the police photo of Rihanna’s beaten face (really) — and who seems angered whenever his past crimes are brought to light, as if time can heal all P.R. wounds.

Of course, his reaction has been proven correct. Chris Brown completely got away with beating the Christ outta Rihanna.

It hasn’t taken time though, it’s taken utter irresponsible indifference from those who choose to continue marketing him and his music to a largely under-age and largely female audience.

In this new (terrible) song — ‘Freaky Friday’ — with rap comedian Lil Dicky, the pair switch bodies a la the popular film of the same name, and Brown discovers that now that he is white, there “ain’t nobody judging” for his “controversial past.” As if race was ever the reason for the public outrage.

The entire song presents itself as a snappy treatise on race relations, but it is in fact a humblebrag about how Chris Brown has a big dick, a big Ferrari, and is a good dancer. And now that Lil Dicky is black, well, he gets to say the N-word.

Needless to say, it’s rubbish. A novelty tune. Whatever. But more dangerously, it paints Chris Brown as a fun, wacky guy: the type of dude who can cheekily chill in a hot tub with three women but still be a good dad.

In case you think this new single is an anomaly, since Brown attacked Rihanna in February 2009, he has landed 23 singles in the Australian top 40, released and promoted by various major labels, and eagerly play-listed by Australian commercial radio.

Now, I could give a shit about cricket, but the captain of the Australian team has been banned for 12 months, and stripped of the Australian captaincy for at least two years.

It’s been front page news for a fortnight, and everyone is acting as if he… well, to quote a certain police report, “applied enough pressure to Rihanna’s left and right carotid arteries to make her lose consciousness.”

Meanwhile, Chris Brown chills by the pool and awaits his royalty payments from Australia. What a guy.